I lost my Mom in December of 2012 almost 6 months pregnant. I have never loved the holidays and then I had figure out grief and the holidays. My Mother loved the holidays. And I am here – without you at a time year I never found joy in. I am without the built-in source of parenting and life advice.
For anyone who has ever lost someone, I am sorry. The pain that comes with loss can sometimes be unbearable. The days, months and years that follow can be hard to get through. I am sorry. But, I am sure you are unbelievably sick of hearing ‘I am sorry,’ or ‘I know how you feel.’ You do not want to hear the words of those trying to offer their condolences. You want your loved one back. Please do not get mad at me for this, but, I know how you feel. I tossed all the condolence cards that came because I wished people had helped us when she was hear and we were struggling.
When I was 30, I lost the one person who I was always afraid to lose. I lost the person who made me smile through the tears. I lost the person who kissed my hurt goodbye. I lost the person who I could not bear to spend a minute without. I lost the person who held me together.
Now, I would never in a million years compare my loss to the loss someone else experiences. I do not believe any two losses are the same. People grieve in different ways. Pain is different for every single person. But, I will say that for those who have lost their Mother, I hope you have found a way to cope. And I hope by the end of this article, you will find some sort of comfort in knowing you are not alone.
Personally, when I lost my mother, my entire world came crashing down. I convinced I would figure it out without her. Who was going to get me ready for this baby? Who was going to push me to succeed in business? Who was going to watch my little girl grow up? She was supposed to be there for it all. And within four-month, from her illness to her departure from me, all of those supposed happy moments in life were going to have to happen without her.
What I want those who are familiar with this loss to know is that it is perfectly okay to be angry with the world at times because of what you are experiencing or have experienced. In my opinion, you would not be human if you did not feel some sort of anger about this. Why your Mom? Why my Mom? Why do bad things have to happen to good people? Trust me, it is aggravating as hell to not know the answer to these questions. You have to allow yourself to feel negative emotions. Do not numb yourself to the pain. Feel it and get through it. I promise you that you will feel at least some sort of relief afterward.
It is okay to cry at random times. It is okay to cry when it is happening. It is okay to cry two weeks after it happened. It is okay to cry five years after it happened. You can cry by yourself in your room. You can cry with family. You can cry with friends. You can cry with the random stranger at Starbucks. You lost your Mom. People will understand. Most importantly, you need to understand that what you feel is acceptable and normal. You will be okay, I promise. You will learn to lean on other people and those people will become the support system you never thought you could have again. I found those people and they do not replace your Mom but they do keep the world from crashing down around you.
It is okay to wish for them back. I have done this so many times I have lost count. When something really funny happens, I find myself thinking, ‘Man, I wish my Mom was here.’ And there are plenty of times where I can just imagine what she would say or how she would react and I find myself just laughing. And in that moment, I feel so incredibly close to her. I promise you, that feeling is worth the wish of having them there.
It is okay to not know how to feel or how to think. You have earned this right. Losing a mother does not come with a special handbook or instructions. No one is taught how to act in accordance with this drastic situation. I know it can be frustrating. And you might feel as though you are not reacting in the way that you should. Do not let others make you feel this way. Everyone deals with loss differently. Everyone grieves in a different way. Keep doing what you are doing. I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
For 30 years, I was blessed with this amazing person at my side. Don’t get me wrong we had our times. She was here from teenage years. I am now 37. I got through these last 7 years there were days where I definitely had my doubts. But I did it. I did it for her. Because making her proud has always been my main motivation in life.
Yes, the holidays are hard. Birthdays are not easy. Milestones in my friends, family and daughter’s life are super hard. I am an adult and I still cringe sometimes when I hear my girlfriends laughing and carrying on with their Mothers. I cannot help it. I am human. I find it easier to allow myself to feel the hurt than to hide it. Because I will never be able to cover up the fact that I lost such a huge part of myself when I was younger.
So what I want everyone to know is that it is okay to grieve. We have all heard the saying, ‘It gets easier as time goes on.’ Well, I call bull crap on that. Time does not make the pain go away. It does not make living without your Mother any easier. Time moves on and whether we like it or not, we have to move on with it. No, we do not need to leave our Mothers behind. We take them with us, always. Memories are a beautiful thing to reflect on. Please make sure you do this often because it keeps their spirit alive. Their spirit lives on through us. I love that.
I never thought I would be 37 years old and have to reminisce on the moments with my Mom because she is no longer here. I never thought I would have to tell my future daughter all about her Nana through words and pictures. My reality now is far different than what I always thought it would be at this age.